Beet Beats Ex-Lax

Blame Mel, inspired by Ayagwa.

Caution. This is my version of Aya”Orange Oil”gwa’s Fear and Loathing in the Realm of Seafood-Lovers. If you don’t like poo talk, don’t bother to read. As umami’s mission statement says, “we all eat three times a day, so let’s talk about it” To me, it’s more like, “we eat three times a day — shit (literally) has to come out”. I was telling Mel about it, and she insisted that I post it, so here it is.

This has nothing to do with bad food, it’s human reaction to certain ingredients that causes a massive bowel movement. It was at Jule’s bistro on St. Marks a couple of years ago. We had dinner before going to a friend’s house party in Alphabet City. I was feeling duck, hence french bistro was the right choice of the evening. Soup du Jour was something like chilled beet and star anise soup, and I thought “hm, it sounds very interesting”. I like beets, especially when roasted with olive oil, then marinated in vinegar mixture, sort of home made pickled beets. Apparently what I didn’t know about beet is the stuff “cleans” you out.

According to wikipedia, “The Romans used beetroot as a treatment for fevers and constipation, amongst other ailments. Apicius in De re coquinaria gives five recipes for soups to be given as a laxative, three of which feature the root of beet.”

Yeah, it is easy to say on the web, but to experience on first person basis wasn’t.

I was starving. The soup came to my table, its deep red color,and a contrast of creme freche lookes very appetizing, so I enjoyed it, sopped with bread, yum yum. By the way, I do NOT like star anise, nor any type of licorice flavor, but my hunger overcame that part of the flavor.

I guess I’ve never had large amount of beet in my life (I had it on salad, or had a piece of a pickled one here and there, but never a bowl of soup). After the main course (which I believe it was duck, and very tasty), I started to feel it. That awful shiver, sweat coming down, and you feel like you are punched in the stomach. I could still keep my composure. My sphicter was tightly shut, no leakage was there. Unlike wax from escoloar, after all, beet is just a vegetable. Yet, I had no idea what beet does to you body, so I was just wondering if the duck was a bad one, or I was reacting to star anise.

So we walked to my friend’s apt on Avenue D. That 4 block walk was the most excruciating one. I was sweating profusely, almost losing control. We arrived at her building. Unfortunately she lived in a 5th floor walk-up. I ran up, got to her apt. Luckily, we were the first guests, and I ran into the bathroom, sat down, and relieved everything. I mean EVERYTHING, and It was RED. I first thought, God, I have a colon cancer and will die, but then realized it was the soup. The color was deep red, as if the soup I consumed didn’t go through my body at all, just passed all the tubes and came right out.

After 4 minutes (could be 2, but who cares) of pissing out of my ass, it was done. I just couldn’t believe how powerful it was and since then, I haven’t had any more than a piece of beet at a time.

Lesson here: orange oil, as well as beet, all one needs to do is portion control. Escolar should be fine if eaten less than three sashimi pieces. Beet as well, if you eat small portion of it, you should be fine. However, if you are constipated for like a week, feast on it, then everything will come out.
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4 Responses to “Beet Beats Ex-Lax”

  1. kayoko Says:

    i’m just happy to hear that you don’t have colon cancer.

  2. kayoko Says:

    i’m just happy to hear that you don’t have colon cancer.

  3. Mel Says:

    it’s Aya ORANGEGAWA….don’t forget it….

  4. Mel Says:

    it’s Aya ORANGEGAWA….don’t forget it….

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