Can I Sue Tom Colicchio?

It’s not focused that well, but that’s a pretty hardcore scar on one of the supplest regions of my body- my forearm. Whenever people see this scar, they immediately yelp YIKES, HOW DID YOU GET THAT?

Ok, so some background. April 2007- my birthday. Location: Craftbar the little sister Tom C.‘s Craft. A decent alternative around the corner when there’s no way you’re gonna get a table at Gramercy Tavern without a reservation.

Scenario: A vodka martini and a beer. Oysters and meatballs (excellent meatballs). Lookin good, feelin good. Bathroom is downstairs. Kayoko is wearing high heels. Alcohol+ Kayoko+ high heels= bad idea. Take the alcohol out of the equation, and it’s still a bad idea. The funny thing is that they weren’t even that high.

So I’m walking down the marble staircase to go to the bathroom after our meal. Lookin good, feelin good. Then, I bail, HARDCORE. Slow motion: my legs go up first, splayed out in the air, I land on my right arm. HARD. I mean, all of my weight must have landed on my right arm. I get up, there’s a huge gash on my forearm and god, check out this gnarly bruise! My arm won’t stop bleeding. It’s throbbing. Christi is freaking out-she’s used to my klutziness, but not to my blood. Lots of blood. Good thing I’m used to my own klutziness. And my blood.

I go to the bathroom. I pee. My arm is throbbing, but whatever, no big deal. A really sweet woman offers me some aspirin. Nothing like a martini, a tumble, and some drugs to get the night going.

Meanwhile, there’s some manager dude right outside the bathroom and Christi tells them what happened. I tell him I need a band aid–I clearly need more than a band aid. Christi’s yelling, “she may need stitches! she may need stitches!” Manager dude is cool and tapes my arm up and brings me a bad of ice, “to keep the swelling down.” Fantastic. He takes down my number “just in case”. Christi sternly suggests that they need to stick some of those anti-slipping things on their steps. The girl thinks of everything- she would make the best litigator.

So I show up to my night of karaoke wailing and birthday bashing looking cute except my arm is all taped up and I’ve gotta keep it lifted so it’s elevated. Awesome! Everyone is pretty much used to my perpetual klutz-factor, so no one even bothers to ask– I may be a year older, but some things never change. Later, I asked Matt if I should sue them, to which he quickly replied, “DON’T.”

A few weeks after this incident, Pam from the Office bailed at Buddakan and practically broke her back. To all restaurants: consider the escalator.

Ok so here’s the reason I’m bringing this up after all these months: last week I got a voice mail from some guy saying:

Hi, this message is for a KYoko. This is Dwight from xxx, and I’m calling about an incident that took place a few months ago at Broadway and 19th street in New York. Please call me back at yyy.

CRAZY!!! And I love how he didn’t even say the incident at “Craftbar”, instead he shoots off the cross streets like I would know what he’s talking about. Classic lawyerspeak.

So whatever, I called him back, and he was this fast-talking, typical lawyer dude. He said, “Yeah, we were wondering if you got your arm checked out by a doctor, we wanted to make sure everything was ok, and that it was healed and that you don’t have any major damages,” or something like that. I was floored. Tom Colicchio wanted to know if I was going to SUE HIM!! AMAZING!!!

Lucky for Tom, I’m too poor to hire a lawyer, and I’m too lazy to try to come up with some clever strategy to nail this down, so I just told Dwight, “don’t worry about it, it’s fine, I’m not going to sue you or anything.” I think he was taken aback by that, cause there was some silence. La di da.

Honestly, it’s not completely healed. For a while there I could not do dolphin stands in yoga, and the muscle is still pretty sore, sometimes affecting the nerves all the way into my hands. I’m hoping Dr. Wu, my miracle-making acupuncturist, will be able to fix it.

To all Craftbar, Craft, ‘wichcraft, and Craftsteak diners: Tom is running an empire now, so don’t hold back if you trip yourself into a tizzy the next time you’re there.

Tom: wine and dine me at Craft as my date and we’ll call it even.

2 Responses to “Can I Sue Tom Colicchio?”

  1. Mel Says:

    Really glad you’re ok KEY-YO-KO….seriously…

  2. Mel Says:

    Really glad you’re ok KEY-YO-KO….seriously…

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